Hidden Toronto: A List of Toronto’s Forgotten Mayors:

In Hidden Toronto, acclaimed author and amateur historian Nicholas Tristan seeks to discover not the Toronto of Drake, that weird sports bar Wayne Gretzky owns, and $16 cocktails; but rather the hidden Toronto, the Toronto that has been forgotten by the so-called “historians” with their “professional degrees”.

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First up: we all know John Tory, Rob Ford, Mel Lastman, and Mr. Gravy Train himself, David Miller. But did you know Toronto has had many other mayors? Let’s find out about them -- together.
 

 

 


Reginald Toronto 

 

Not the city’s namesake as many have erroneously thought, but rather the namesake of the famous “Reginald” we all love and enjoy today.
 



Emma Fletcher

 

A soft, gentle spoken woman, Mayor Fletcher’s tenure as mayor is often forgotten except in discussions about how the dulcet tones of Mayor Fletcher were the only thing that calmed the bees. God, the bees. That’s for another article.
 

  A typical bee, now that "all that" has been dealt with.

A typical bee, now that "all that" has been dealt with.


A Ghost

 

Yes, it seems hard to believe now, but for a brief period in the 1920s Toronto’s mayor was officially a ghost. One of those bedsheet ones with the eyes cut out, really classic ghost stuff. Having completed its unfinished business of being the mayor, the ghost disappeared into the spirit realm, never to be heard from again.
 



Another Ford

 

One of the lesser Fords was mayor for a time, maybe before Rob? Maybe after? During -- is that even possible? Anyway, another Ford was mayor and he’s best remembered for tripping over a hot dog bun.
 



Leprechaun (name unknown)

 

A mysterious leprechaun was briefly the mayor of Toronto last May after tricking John Tory with riddles three. Some say he’s still the mayor, controlling the machinations of council with the promise of gold -- gold beyond their wildest dreams! Of course, those “in the know” have known this to be false -- the hated leprechaun is dead, beaten to an unrecognizable pulp by a frightened and dehydrated Tory in an attempt to end the madness.

  Begone, foul Celtic grime goblin, and haunt John Tory's dreams no further!

Begone, foul Celtic grime goblin, and haunt John Tory's dreams no further!



Caligula

 

The Roman Emperor Caligula, famed for his cruelty, was once the mayor of Toronto. Seem impossible to you? Buddy, you haven’t been reading this list if you still think that! It’s anything goes on this list!




Alastair D. Tremblay

 

Mayor Tremblay thought to differentiate 1960s Toronto from other Canadian cities by ditching Toronto’s outdated, moralist “Toronto The Good” image and embracing pure and utter depravity. All manner of sadistic and sensual acts could be found in Tremblay’s Toronto, some under lock and key but some practiced in daylight under the eyes of a deeply ashamed Creator. Tremblay’s new Sodom was toppled, though, by an expenses scandal midway through his administration. Mayor Tremblay resigned, and all the horrible and hideous and wonderful heresies and fantasies laid out in the city were quickly replaced by rapidly expanding Pizza Pizza locations and a return to sensible haircuts.

  This is  not  Sponsored Content, as Pizza Pizza has not indicated one way or the other where they stand on utterly depraved acts of the flesh, and it would be irresponsible to assume that they are opposed until explicitly stated.

This is not Sponsored Content, as Pizza Pizza has not indicated one way or the other where they stand on utterly depraved acts of the flesh, and it would be irresponsible to assume that they are opposed until explicitly stated.



Both Kenny and Spenny

 

That show probably hasn’t held up, has it? Anyway, I use to love it, and they were the mayor at the same time, serving two non-consecutive terms.




You, The Reader

 

Has this list gotten too conceptual for you? Well, you can put a stop to it. You are the mayor, after all.
 



Justin Trudeau But His Words Are All Backmasked Like The Dwarf In Twin Peaks:

 

In retrospect, a good mayor, though some have speculated that his long and unwieldy name is what prevented him from a move into provincial politics.




Ozymandias, King of Kings 

 

Not a lot left of his legacy, kind of a shame.

   Percy Bysshe Shelley  is a well-known poet of the English Romantic era, who lived from 1792 to 1822.

Percy Bysshe Shelley is a well-known poet of the English Romantic era, who lived from 1792 to 1822.



Timecop (1994)

 

We tried making a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie the mayor, and it didn’t work. Toronto’s not perfect, okay?




Barbara Hall

 

Had to double check she was actually mayor. Neat, right? I once vigorously made out with a guy at a park named after her, so I was like, “maybe she was the mayor?” and sure enough, she was! Anyway, Marco, you were fun and please feel free to reach out if you’d like to, you know, grab a coffee or something.




Reese 

 

Reese was an adequate mayor. That’s all we can say about Reese!

  Reese, buddy, you did fine! That's sometimes all it takes.

Reese, buddy, you did fine! That's sometimes all it takes.



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That’s it for this edition of Hidden Toronto. Next time: why does Toronto have so many mysterious wells that its citizens are intrisically drawn to fall into? We’ll find out!

What Great Classical Composers Would Be Up To Today, If They Were Still Alive

A list by Nicholas Tristan

Ludwig van Beethoven: Retweeting 132-tweet threads about Trump’s Russian collusion, blocking anyone who tries to talk to him about his music.

Richard Wagner: Yes yes, he would be super racist and anti-semitic. Everyone knows this. BUT he would also be inexplicably into Pinterest.

Johann Sebastian Bach: Making incomprehensibly arcane Lutheran memes and posting them on his Facebook feed.

William Byrd: The same, except Catholic memes instead.

Frederic Chopin: Listing his sexuality as “sapiosexual” on OK Cupid, getting into clove cigarettes.

Alexander Scriabin: Really fucking into Apple products.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: 4chan, but he’s not too serious about it.

Antonio Vivaldi: Successful country and western music career.

Johannes Brahms: Hosting a podcast that makes $60,000 per month on Patreon.

Richard Strauss: Conservative YouTube personality, making videos with titles like “What SJW Snowflake Feminists Don’t Understand About PENISES”

Joseph Haydn: Attending the Women’s March, taking selfies in a shirt that says “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like”.

Franz Schubert: Responding to numerous sexual harassment allegations.

Jean Sibelius: Bear Grylls-style survivalist personality.

George Frideric Handel: Writing a craft beer blog that makes the occasional allusion to the violent bar fights he periodically gets in.

Benjamin Britten: Reposting faux-profound comics about how technology controls our lives, man, still subscribing to Adbusters.

Modest Mussorgsky: Getting increasingly furious at people accidentally tagging him when they want to tag the band Modest Mouse.

Claude Debussy: Still shocked after discovering what the gay community thanks a “bussy” is.

Igor Stravinsky: Writing novel-length My Little Pony fanfiction.

Franz Liszt: Talking your ear off about Hungary at a party while completely obliterated on cocaine, not sharing any of this cocaine.

Johann Strauss: Strangely enough? Still pretty much just waltzes.

Clara Schumann: Attending “Women Going Their Own Way” meetings, writing blog posts about polyamory for a website called something like “Femmeist”.

Philip Glass: Philip Glass is still alive, so living in Cape Breton and hanging out with Ashley MacIsaac, apparently.

Carl Orff: Serious anime nazi, under investigation by the FBI.

Samuel Barber: EDM producer.

Maurice Ravel: Doing MDMA every weekend, but like, the good stuff.

Pyotr Tchaikovsky: A DeviantArt account full of bizarre fetish porn.

Leonard Bernstein: A DeviantArt account full of tasteful fetish porn.

Amy Beach: Fox News Contributor who talks about the War on Christmas and how it’s illegal for any student to pray in school anymore.

Dimitri Shostakovich: YouTube recaps about the Dungeons and Dragons game he DMs.

Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov: Listen, I still don’t know if I’ve ever heard a Rimsky-Korsakov piece in my life, I can’t extrapolate a funny modern thing for him. So, uh, let’s say he likes going to the zoo.

Heitor Villa-Lobos: Internationally ranked Counter-Strike: Global Offensive player.

Hildegard Von Bingen: Moderating an old BBS for nuns and really abusing her power there.

Gustav Mahler: Mahler is, unfortunately, still dead in this scenario.