Dear Me!
Hi! I wrote out and deleted this question about 10 times before finally sending it. Which is a good demonstration of my problem, I guess! I want to be more active in the online communities I’m a part of, but I can’t get the words out onto the screen.Every time I log onto social media, I see conversations I want to join in on, but when I try to type, everything I say sounds ridiculous.
Thanks,
On The Tip Of My Fingers
Hey Tip!
Are you me? No really, are you? Is there any proof you’re not me? Huh, maybe we won’t worry too much about that, and let’s get into this! I RELATE. If you get me into a room of people I will talk my silly butt off, I’ll talk your goofy butt off and I’ll talk your mom’s nice butt off, but as soon as I’m online, I can’t make my fingers do all of that same talking. It can make going online kinda lonely, like watching a party through a window where all of my friends are hanging out and having a good time without me.
I think this metaphor works for me, because it reminds me that these interactions online are a choice I’m making, and it means I’m allowed to make different choices depending on different circumstances. This is a good thing to remember when you’re interacting online! You’re allowed to opt in to some situations, while opting out of others - just like you would with social gatherings. Say there’s something big going on online (like the recent #metoo movement); sometimes weighing in on that stuff can be incredibly cathartic, but it can also feel super vulnerable and scary. Think about it like a protest - do you like the anonymity of speaking with a group of people and moving in a big crowd? Or are you more likely to decompress with friends in a quieter place? What about a group chat? Do you like checking in with people multiple times a day, or are you someone who would prefer to save the stories for a long catch-up chat? You can parallel your online life to your real one, and start interacting online by making choices that mirror the ones you’d make in real life.
Online interactions can be nerve-wracking. There’s no accounting for tone or pacing, and once the words make their way to the screen, they’re really there, and often permanent. That can sometimes get in the way of their intended purpose, which is to communicate, connect, decompress, teach, learn and surrender all of your personal information. Just like in real life. You did a great job writing to me, which has the real life parallel of nudging an elderly sleeping woman drooling on the bus and asking her if she has any advice, which is one of the boldest moves out there. You can do it!
Good luck,
Bethany
Dear Me!
I’m a man in my thirties, and I’ve recently started dating a woman that I really like. She’s way smart, kind and seems to like me back. One thing has been bothering me though - over our courtship, she’s called herself “queer” a bunch of times, and I don’t exactly know what that means. I don’t want to ask her outright what she means by that, but it’s started to make me wonder if she normally dates girls or if it’s a political thing? I try to be a good guy, but I’ll admit I feel stumped here and I really want to know why she’s dating me if she’s queer.
My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend?
Dear Girlfriend,
Good on you for wanting to learn, and can I thank you from the bottom of my queer heart that you’ve come to me first with this stuff. I get paid to not roll my eyes at you, and I want you to know that I absolutely did not do that at any point while reading your submission. We’re off to a great start!
I want to start off with letting you know that asking her “why” she calls herself queer is going to be a question that she will barely be able to understand because your foot will be crammed so far into your mouth. She calls herself queer because she is queer, which roughly means not-straight. I know that this is a confusing term, but it’s the one she’s chosen because she feels that it describes her honestly. Now, that’s not to say that you can’t ask her what that means to her, but understand that when you ask that, you’ll open yourself up to hearing about her past experiences (if she wants to share them) and if you like her, you’ll have to listen twice as much as you speak. When you’re talking to people about their identities, and their identities confuse you, that’s a pretty clear sign that they have knowledge and experience that you’re not privy to, and that’s often the case because you haven’t needed to know that information. If you’re straight and have never felt not-straight, you’ve never had to do research about where those feelings come from, who else is feeling those feelings, what those feelings mean for your life going forward, and how to talk about and act on those feelings in a way that keeps you safe. This gained knowledge and these experiences and aren’t something that you’re owed rights to, but if you like this person and you trust her, and you feel like she could trust you too, you’re allowed to ask. Center the questions around her experience. Ask her what being queer feels like, and what it means to her.
I’ll end with this: Do not ask questions that come back to being about you and what you want (Are you gonna leave me for a girl? Do you want to have a threesome? etc). If she’s talking about her experience and it’s making you feel angry, scared or jealous, take a breather from the conversation and let her know that you’re having feelings and you might need some time. DO NOT ASK HER IF SHE’LL HAVE A THREESOME WITH YOU. And don’t be afraid to google and read accounts from queer people about their experiences. Hope this all becomes un-foggy soon.
Good luck,
Bethany
