What Great Classical Composers Would Be Up To Today, If They Were Still Alive

A list by Nicholas Tristan

Ludwig van Beethoven: Retweeting 132-tweet threads about Trump’s Russian collusion, blocking anyone who tries to talk to him about his music.

Richard Wagner: Yes yes, he would be super racist and anti-semitic. Everyone knows this. BUT he would also be inexplicably into Pinterest.

Johann Sebastian Bach: Making incomprehensibly arcane Lutheran memes and posting them on his Facebook feed.

William Byrd: The same, except Catholic memes instead.

Frederic Chopin: Listing his sexuality as “sapiosexual” on OK Cupid, getting into clove cigarettes.

Alexander Scriabin: Really fucking into Apple products.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: 4chan, but he’s not too serious about it.

Antonio Vivaldi: Successful country and western music career.

Johannes Brahms: Hosting a podcast that makes $60,000 per month on Patreon.

Richard Strauss: Conservative YouTube personality, making videos with titles like “What SJW Snowflake Feminists Don’t Understand About PENISES”

Joseph Haydn: Attending the Women’s March, taking selfies in a shirt that says “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like”.

Franz Schubert: Responding to numerous sexual harassment allegations.

Jean Sibelius: Bear Grylls-style survivalist personality.

George Frideric Handel: Writing a craft beer blog that makes the occasional allusion to the violent bar fights he periodically gets in.

Benjamin Britten: Reposting faux-profound comics about how technology controls our lives, man, still subscribing to Adbusters.

Modest Mussorgsky: Getting increasingly furious at people accidentally tagging him when they want to tag the band Modest Mouse.

Claude Debussy: Still shocked after discovering what the gay community thanks a “bussy” is.

Igor Stravinsky: Writing novel-length My Little Pony fanfiction.

Franz Liszt: Talking your ear off about Hungary at a party while completely obliterated on cocaine, not sharing any of this cocaine.

Johann Strauss: Strangely enough? Still pretty much just waltzes.

Clara Schumann: Attending “Women Going Their Own Way” meetings, writing blog posts about polyamory for a website called something like “Femmeist”.

Philip Glass: Philip Glass is still alive, so living in Cape Breton and hanging out with Ashley MacIsaac, apparently.

Carl Orff: Serious anime nazi, under investigation by the FBI.

Samuel Barber: EDM producer.

Maurice Ravel: Doing MDMA every weekend, but like, the good stuff.

Pyotr Tchaikovsky: A DeviantArt account full of bizarre fetish porn.

Leonard Bernstein: A DeviantArt account full of tasteful fetish porn.

Amy Beach: Fox News Contributor who talks about the War on Christmas and how it’s illegal for any student to pray in school anymore.

Dimitri Shostakovich: YouTube recaps about the Dungeons and Dragons game he DMs.

Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov: Listen, I still don’t know if I’ve ever heard a Rimsky-Korsakov piece in my life, I can’t extrapolate a funny modern thing for him. So, uh, let’s say he likes going to the zoo.

Heitor Villa-Lobos: Internationally ranked Counter-Strike: Global Offensive player.

Hildegard Von Bingen: Moderating an old BBS for nuns and really abusing her power there.

Gustav Mahler: Mahler is, unfortunately, still dead in this scenario.