May 24, 2018: Queers Online

Dear Me!

Hi! I wrote out and deleted this question about 10 times before finally sending it. Which is a good demonstration of my problem, I guess! I want to be more active in the online communities I’m a part of, but I can’t get the words out onto the screen.Every time I log onto social media, I see conversations I want to join in on, but when I try to type, everything I say sounds ridiculous.

Thanks,

On The Tip Of My Fingers

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Hey Tip!

Are you me? No really, are you? Is there any proof you’re not me? Huh, maybe we won’t worry too much about that, and let’s get into this! I RELATE. If you get me into a room of people I will talk my silly butt off, I’ll talk your goofy butt off and I’ll talk your mom’s nice butt off, but as soon as I’m online, I can’t make my fingers do all of that same talking. It can make going online kinda lonely, like watching a party through a window where all of my friends are hanging out and having a good time without me.

I think this metaphor works for me, because it reminds me that these interactions online are a choice I’m making, and it means I’m allowed to make different choices depending on different circumstances. This is a good thing to remember when you’re interacting online! You’re allowed to opt in to some situations, while opting out of others - just like you would with social gatherings. Say there’s something big going on online (like the recent #metoo movement); sometimes weighing in on that stuff can be incredibly cathartic, but it can also feel super vulnerable and scary. Think about it like a protest - do you like the anonymity of speaking with a group of people and moving in a big crowd? Or are you more likely to decompress with friends in a quieter place? What about a group chat? Do you like checking in with people multiple times a day, or are you someone who would prefer to save the stories for a long catch-up chat? You can parallel your online life to your real one, and start interacting online by making choices that mirror the ones you’d make in real life.

Online interactions can be nerve-wracking. There’s no accounting for tone or pacing, and once the words make their way to the screen, they’re really there, and often permanent. That can sometimes get in the way of their intended purpose, which is to communicate, connect, decompress, teach, learn and surrender all of your personal information. Just like in real life. You did a great job writing to me, which has the real life parallel of nudging an elderly sleeping woman drooling on the bus and asking her if she has any advice, which is one of the boldest moves out there. You can do it!

Good luck,

Bethany

 

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Dear Me!

I’m a man in my thirties, and I’ve recently started dating a woman that I really like. She’s way smart, kind and seems to like me back. One thing has been bothering me though - over our courtship, she’s called herself “queer” a bunch of times, and I don’t exactly know what that means. I don’t want to ask her outright what she means by that, but it’s started to make me wonder if she normally dates girls or if it’s a political thing? I try to be a good guy, but I’ll admit I feel stumped here and I really want to know why she’s dating me if she’s queer.

My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend?

Dear Girlfriend,

Good on you for wanting to learn, and can I thank you from the bottom of my queer heart that you’ve come to me first with this stuff. I get paid to not roll my eyes at you, and I want you to know that I absolutely did not do that at any point while reading your submission. We’re off to a great start!

I want to start off with letting you know that asking her “why” she calls herself queer is going to be a question that she will barely be able to understand because your foot will be crammed so far into your mouth. She calls herself queer because she is queer, which roughly means not-straight. I know that this is a confusing term, but it’s the one she’s chosen because she feels that it describes her honestly. Now, that’s not to say that you can’t ask her what that means to her, but understand that when you ask that, you’ll open yourself up to hearing about her past experiences (if she wants to share them) and if you like her, you’ll have to listen twice as much as you speak. When you’re talking to people about their identities, and their identities confuse you, that’s a pretty clear sign that they have knowledge and experience that you’re not privy to, and that’s often the case because you haven’t needed to know that information. If you’re straight and have never felt not-straight, you’ve never had to do research about where those feelings come from, who else is feeling those feelings, what those feelings mean for your life going forward, and how to talk about and act on those feelings in a way that keeps you safe. This gained knowledge and these experiences and aren’t something that you’re owed rights to, but if you like this person and you trust her, and you feel like she could trust you too, you’re allowed to ask. Center the questions around her experience. Ask her what being queer feels like, and what it means to her.

I’ll end with this: Do not ask questions that come back to being about you and what you want (Are you gonna leave me for a girl? Do you want to have a threesome? etc). If she’s talking about her experience and it’s making you feel angry, scared or jealous, take a breather from the conversation and let her know that you’re having feelings and you might need some time. DO NOT ASK HER IF SHE’LL HAVE A THREESOME WITH YOU. And don’t be afraid to google and read accounts from queer people about their experiences. Hope this all becomes un-foggy soon.

Good luck,

Bethany

April 19, 2018: Organizational Fantasy

Dear Me!

I'm a 3rd year university student. So far being a student has been a giant slog, and it isn’t getting easier. I seem to have made a hobby of setting myself up for success! I love calendars, day planners, journals, flash cards, essay plans, study groups, all of it. It gives me a huge rush to set up a new organizational plan, but then when it comes to actually using the plans, I feel like all the wind has been taken out of my sails, and I don't want to use them! This results in me getting stuck in a cycle of coasting and cramming, and frankly it is miserable. Any tips?

Star Study Starter

Hey Starter!

So I'm gonna let you in on a secret - I actually haven't ever "finished" a "university program" per se... but now that I think of it neither have you! But I think you deserve some tips from expert studiers in my life, so I'm gonna go bug my really smart roommate and then re-write their tips in my own cute and fun voice, as if I'm a University Smartie and not just a Scholar of the STREETS and certified School Dummy! BRB!

Aaaand I'm back! Firstly, I've been informed that you don't need to "go to school" to get into habits like this - my roommate gently reminded me of the house cleaning schedule, weekly co-grocery trip and cat litter box cleaning schedule that I very dutifully made and have since... let slide. When I think of it like that, it's really easy to see the cycle you can fall into. I can get congratulatory and use all of the productive energy that got me making cool systems into making grand stories for why I'm so amazing and smart and actually don't need all of the rules I set up. I think this is because the part of my brain that makes up the systems is a creative part - it's a lot of fun for me to make up a calendar, because it means I can imagine my fun and great future where I'm living in a world that benefits from the organization I did. It's not really about me getting organized as much as it is about me fantasizing about being an organized person. Doing actual work doesn't play into the fantasy so much, and so it can be hard for me to commit. I find that I do my best following through when I take my habit making out of that creative space, and move it into a social space.

Connecting your work, plans and goals to your social life can be a really great motivator. First you have to know how much social interaction you like or need. If you're a huge extrovert like me, it can be really helpful to make study dates with people, and make a part of those dates sharing the work you've done and holding each other accountable. If you're more introverted, maybe finding friends to chat online with, or working with a close friend or partner can help. I find that if you can find someone (or someones) to do boring things with, the things are less daunting and terrible. It really helps me to make dates with friends and fold laundry, cook food or clean while they're there. I also sit with my roommate while she studies sometimes, so I know it can be helpful there too!

There are lots of other amazing habit-making and studying theories out there, but I know that I find myself wasting time by trying to find the perfect one. Sometimes you just have to accept yourself as a creative planning genius, and then kinda force yourself to do the boring things. But if you reach out to friends and let them know that their presence is helping you, I'm sure you'll find some lovely boring-busting allies.

Good Luck,

Bethany (And her Extra-Smart Roomate)

March 7th, 2018: "Depression Ball Gag"

Dear Me,

My best friend has suffered from depression on and off ever since I’ve known him. I’ve always offered him unconditional support, but I’ve found that when he’s in a low spot he prefers to ride it out on his own and he doesn’t ever reach out. I’ve tried lots of things to reach him over the years- I check up on him via text, drop by unexpectedly with gifts and food, and I’ve tried to talk to him about how he’s feeling. Nothing really works-  We’ve actually never had any in-depth conversations about his depression at all- it seems that what he really wants is to be on his own. I’ve finally adapted to just letting him go through it and reaching out periodically until he is ready to come back. I think that this is the best I can do for him. When he goes, it’s hard for me, but I’ve always reasoned that whatever I’m feeling can’t possibly be harder than what he’s going through, so I keep that to myself. But I’ve started to notice that when he comes back, I am happy about it for a few days, and then I start to get annoyed with him. I wonder what would happen if I needed him when he’s down, and I think about how much time I’ve spent worried about him, and I feel resentful. I never feel this way when he’s sick. I usually reason away those thoughts with the same thinking - my feelings aren’t as bad as what he’s going through, but that’s harder to rationalize when he’s back and being my best friend again. I can’t imagine that it would be the right thing to do to tell him how I feel, but I also don’t want these feelings to build and for me to not want to see him anymore. Is there a way I can tell him how I feel, or am I just being selfish?

Depressed Friends Forever

Dear DFF,

Woof. This is a tough one. I’m gonna be honest - wanting to tell your sick friend that you’re annoyed with him is pretty selfish. A decrease in what we can handle socially is as much of a legitimate symptom and consequence of mental illness as a decrease in an ability to walk far distances is to spraining your ankle.

That being said, feelings are kind of selfish. They’re coming from inside of you, they’re influenced by your perception of what’s happening to you, and stuffing them down and not listening to what your feelings are telling you can leave you in the kind of perplexing situation that you’ve found yourself in.

What you’re feeling is actually very valid. Losing your friend for periods of time - not knowing whether you’ll be able to share in good experiences, or if they’ll be there comfort you in bad is tough as hell. If you add onto that that his actual experience isn’t something he’s shared with you, that can get in front of the empathy that you’d normally feel. It’s a kind and logical response to tell yourself that his situation is worse than yours - because it probably is! But that doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing something hard yourself - you really are.

I will say that your instinct is correct when it comes to being hesitant to share your feelings with him. Although you’re feeling hurt and annoyed for a good reason, simply broadcasting those feelings to him could be harmful. Oftentimes folks with depression already have a pretty substantial collection of negative thoughts at the ready, and keeping those thoughts from overwhelming can be a heavy task. He’s probably beat you to the thoughts you’re having, and its possible that he already has a loop of “I’m a bad friend, I’m a bad person, I hurt the people around me” going on in his head. Hearing those thoughts confirmed from you might do more harm than good.

But this doesn’t mean you can’t talk to him! Share your feelings, but be kind and give him some ways to help you out when he’s well. Maybe he can tell you a little bit about what he’s going through, maybe he can share some resources or information, maybe he can treat you to lunch.

Good luck!
Bethany
 

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Dear Me!

My boyfriend chews when he’s tired before bed. He just chews on nothing, or maybe on the memory of lunch? The sounds are starting to get to me - I love him, but I also want to put him in the ground. Please help.

The Nightly Gnash
 

Dear Gnashty,

OKAY THIS IS REAL. Mouth sounds are awful, and when I hear people chewing on nothing I am instantly convinced that their teeth are dentures, and then that’s WAY worse for some reason - it’s a whole thing. I hate that your life is this way. You did mention that you noticed he does it when he’s tired though. Sometimes heightened perception of noise happens when you’re tired, or hungry, or on edge, or feeling anxious. I have to say that this is not a “scientific fact” as much as it is something that I’ve experienced, so take it with a grain of salt. Chances are he’s chewing more often than just when he’s tired (I’m sorry), but you’re probably distracted because your body its not about to fall into a coma. Next time you notice him night chewing, just kinda say to yourself “This sucks, but it’s worse because I’m tired and I will love him again in the morning.” This is called meditation, and Actual Science says that it’s helpful to reduce homicidal urges. You could also get a ball gag.

Love,

Bethany

February 7, 2018: "Cranberry"

Dear Me!

I’m in a bit of a sticky situation. A few weeks ago I got a raging UTI and made the mistake of telling a few close friends about it. I didn’t know what was happening to my body, and I was pretty freaked out. I just knew I was in a lot of pain, and that it wasn’t going away. After a few rough days (and some WebMD’ing that made me sure I was cancerous) I finally went to a clinic and found out that it was just a UTI. A round of antibiotics later and it was kicked, but my friends haven’t let me off the hook since. They’ve been calling me Cranberry, Cranny, Ocean Spray, Craisin and a host of other stupid names revolving around drinking cranberry juice to avoid UTIs. It’s embarrassing, and it makes me feel like they don’t care about me. If it was any other stupid thing I’d be able to laugh it off, but I hate that this is about something I couldn’t control. How can I tell them that I don’t want them to call me Cranberry anymore?

Crankyberry

Hey Cranky,

First of all I want to say YUCK and that THIS IS NOT A WAY FOR ADULTS TO ACT. I can imagine how shitty it must feel to have trusted your friends with that information, only to have them throw it back in your face - and with such boring jokes too! Cranberry juice jokes about a UTI? Are they kidney-ing? Such blad-der senses of humour! Urethra be JOKING with that! (Fun fact: UTI’s are an infection that can happen anywhere along the urinary tract, including the kidney, bladder and urethra!)

Okay, sorry I’m done! Truly, my first instinct is to tell you to throw the whole friends away. In my mind, if you’re coming to your friends to tell them about something serious and sensitive, you shouldn’t have to worry about being mocked about it.

That being said, cutting every person who crosses you out of your life isn’t the most practical advice, BUT this does give you an opportunity to evaluate what’s going on in this friend group. Is this how all of your friend secrets are handled? Do you normally trust these people with serious things, or are they just people you joke around with? Have you been a part of this teasing before, and has it made you feel good about yourself? If the answers to these questions aren’t positive, then maybe you don’t have to keep spending time with these folks.

If you’re thinking that these are actually great and trusted friends that just don’t know how to drop a joke, you should try being really honest with them. Maybe pick one or two that you’re closest with, and let them know that in all honesty and in all seriousness you don’t find it funny. If they press, or continue to joke, get really real with them, tell them you were in a lot of pain and you didn’t know what was wrong. Let them know you were relieved to find treatment that worked, but that bringing it up again and again makes you remember that time and makes you feel bad. It’s very possible that this joke has stuck because sexual health is something that people have a hard time talking about. People get freaked out by anything that goes wrong down below, and often make jokes to hide the fact that it has happened to them, or the fear that it might. Hopefully if you can be brave enough to remind  everyone that a UTI isn’t some crazy sex disease - it’s literally just a small bacterial infection, not much different than a sore throat or a stomach bug - they will stick up for you after that.

As for the group chats, the nicknames, the phone calls etc - stop responding to them. Let the joke fall flat - if someone calls you Cranny, ignore them for a second, and if they push go “oh, are we still doing this?” Part of the reason that nicknames and jokes stick is because they become habitual and part of your friend group’s lore of inside jokes. If there’s something you want to leave behind, disrupt the jokes in a small but firm way, so it’s not such an easy joke to keep coming back to. You  might ruffle a few feathers for a few days, but good friends aren’t gonna put up too much of a fight just to keep humiliating you.

And if your friends take your honest plea to stop with the jokes as anything less than critical, send me their addresses. Maybe cranberries won’t be so funny when I CRAN THEIR HOUSES TO THE GROUND.

Good luck,

Bethany