March 21, 2018: Sex Schedules

Dear Me,

I have been having really great sex with someone for a couple of years now, but I find that the sex is often painful or too much for my vagina. My partner's penis size is a bit on the larger side, however I have had sex with larger penises both in the past and more recently and have never had this problem. I find my vagina getting tired/irritated quickly with this person almost every time and having to take breaks. The only times it is not painful is with missionary or when I'm on top. So: what might be the cause of this? Is there a way to make it more enjoyable/ comfortable/ less painful or is it possible that our bodies are just not compatible?

Thank you for your time,

Penis Flytrap

Dear Fly,

Thanks for submitting  this question - I’m happy to flex the Worked In A Sex Store muscles that I’ve been building up these past few years! Luckily, none of the sex stores I’ve worked in have ever made me sell on commission, they’ve never had store-branded products that they wanted me to push, and I’ve always been encouraged to research, ask questions, try products out and learn from my own experiences and the experiences of my customers. The reason I mention this is because lots of sex store chains that are sales-focused can use a person’s inexperience or discomfort with sex to sell products that just make things worse (I’m looking at you, Horned Deer Store!). That’s not what I want for your vagina - so let’s get back to that, because your vagina is really the star of the show here.

There are many ways to come at this (heh, come), which can seem a bit intimidating, but it’s actually pretty great news! More options means there’s a high probability that you and your above-average partner can figure this out. The first and easiest option is to keep taking breaks and doing the positions that feel good! Don’t get too down on yourself if sex has to look a certain way for a little while. You’re not doing anything inherently wrong, and it’s always okay to take breaks and do positions that work for you! The next easiest thing is lube - are you using a new or different kind of lube? Are you using lube at all? If you are using a new lube, that could be the source of your irritation. Your lube could be drying up too quickly, or it could have ingredients that are causing your skin to inflame. If you’re not using lube at all, this could be a good time to start! There’s a common misconception that if you’re having good sex you don’t “need” lube, but alas, this is not how the human body works. Lots of things can get in the way of your body’s ability to provide lubrication - hormonal fluctuations, diet changes, being too tired, etc! Lube can be a great fix or a nice supplement to use when you are experiencing a sore vag.  If you are choosing a new lube, or if you want to read about why your current lube may not be doing it for you, here is an incredibly comprehensive resource from wonderful, Ontario-based sex-store co-op Come As You Are.

Next up on the docket is *~lifestyle and relationship things~*! Have you and your partner fallen into a sexual schedule? A sexual schedule is a term I just made up to describe that thing that happens when your life gets really hectic, and your sex life is kinda pushed into the spaces that you have left for it. I often see this in that exhausted, just-before-bed sex that folks have because there just wasn’t any other time for it. You mentioned that your vagina gets tired - it’s possible that your vagina as well as the whole human attached to said vagina is tired as well! It can boost your sex life to take control and Schedule the Sex instead of letting the Sex Schedule you. In the same way that your body can fail to provide wetness when you’re turned on, you can also exhibit the physical signs of sexual readiness without being all the way turned on in your mind. If you take some time to intentionally plan sex when you and your partner are both fully recharged, well-rested and without work or home stressors hanging over your head, that can provide a little boost! Pick a day where you can drink a bunch of water and eat food that makes you feel good and recharged, wear something that makes you feel sexy, and tease each other in the time leading up to it. Having sex when you’ve gotten all ready for it can give you a bit of insight for future sessions - you might notice that what you do beforehand does make a difference, and you can build those positive things into your lifestyle. To be honest, you may not always be able to just not be tired before sex, but if you have that scheduled sex and are like “wow, I really noticed that talking about what we were gonna do all day made me excited” or “whoa, drinking a bunch of water made my vag feel better” you can build in the little components that work into an already hectic life, or you can just keep scheduling sex for times that work for both of you.

You can also try Kegel exercises to help with a tired vagina! There’s a misconception that Kegels are just for tightening the vagina after giving birth, but practising Kegels is really just a way to control your vaginal and pelvic floor muscles. With Kegels, you clench and release your vaginal muscles, and when you exercise those muscles, you’ll start to notice when you’re clenching and when you’re releasing during sex. In time, if you’re having sex and you’re starting to feel weary, you may be able to be like “Oh, I’ve been clenching the heck out of this penis here, but not releasing those muscles! Owie!” and with Kegels you can do all kinds of cool clenching and releasing patterns that’ll feel great for you and your partner. Here’s a nice page of info to get you started on those.

Alright, I’ve been rambling, so I’ll wrap it up (heh, wrap it up)  with this - if you’re just noticing this with your one partner, you might have to ask him some questions that are kind of awkward to have to ask an adult man. I didn’t want to come out of the gate assuming that you’re dating a baby man, but people are...continually surprising. Is he washing his penis and under his foreskin (if he has foreskin)? Is he drinking water and eating veggies? Is he using protection with other partners (if y’all aren’t exclusive)? He could have a yeast infection, he might be not washing off whatever he uses to masturbate with (some penises can handle stuff like vaseline, body lotion, hair conditioner etc that will mess up a vag!), his cum/precum could be throwing off your vaginal flora (which is the balance of good bacteria, bases and acids in your vag), or he could have an STI or fungal infection. Maybe get tested together, or book a visit with your gynecologist.
 

So there ya go, a nice bucket of options to throw at your problem! I hope that there’s something in here that resonates with you. I’m just gonna bottom line once more - go see a doctor if all of this gets worse or continues! Apparently Worked In A Sex Store is not a medical qualification these days!

Good Luck,

Bethany

(P.S - Oh! You could also have a latex allergy/sensitivity. Those can come with increased exposure to latex condoms or gloves. Try a box of non-latex, Japanese latex or vegan condoms! Those can sometimes do the trick.)

February 7, 2018: "Cranberry"

Dear Me!

I’m in a bit of a sticky situation. A few weeks ago I got a raging UTI and made the mistake of telling a few close friends about it. I didn’t know what was happening to my body, and I was pretty freaked out. I just knew I was in a lot of pain, and that it wasn’t going away. After a few rough days (and some WebMD’ing that made me sure I was cancerous) I finally went to a clinic and found out that it was just a UTI. A round of antibiotics later and it was kicked, but my friends haven’t let me off the hook since. They’ve been calling me Cranberry, Cranny, Ocean Spray, Craisin and a host of other stupid names revolving around drinking cranberry juice to avoid UTIs. It’s embarrassing, and it makes me feel like they don’t care about me. If it was any other stupid thing I’d be able to laugh it off, but I hate that this is about something I couldn’t control. How can I tell them that I don’t want them to call me Cranberry anymore?

Crankyberry

Hey Cranky,

First of all I want to say YUCK and that THIS IS NOT A WAY FOR ADULTS TO ACT. I can imagine how shitty it must feel to have trusted your friends with that information, only to have them throw it back in your face - and with such boring jokes too! Cranberry juice jokes about a UTI? Are they kidney-ing? Such blad-der senses of humour! Urethra be JOKING with that! (Fun fact: UTI’s are an infection that can happen anywhere along the urinary tract, including the kidney, bladder and urethra!)

Okay, sorry I’m done! Truly, my first instinct is to tell you to throw the whole friends away. In my mind, if you’re coming to your friends to tell them about something serious and sensitive, you shouldn’t have to worry about being mocked about it.

That being said, cutting every person who crosses you out of your life isn’t the most practical advice, BUT this does give you an opportunity to evaluate what’s going on in this friend group. Is this how all of your friend secrets are handled? Do you normally trust these people with serious things, or are they just people you joke around with? Have you been a part of this teasing before, and has it made you feel good about yourself? If the answers to these questions aren’t positive, then maybe you don’t have to keep spending time with these folks.

If you’re thinking that these are actually great and trusted friends that just don’t know how to drop a joke, you should try being really honest with them. Maybe pick one or two that you’re closest with, and let them know that in all honesty and in all seriousness you don’t find it funny. If they press, or continue to joke, get really real with them, tell them you were in a lot of pain and you didn’t know what was wrong. Let them know you were relieved to find treatment that worked, but that bringing it up again and again makes you remember that time and makes you feel bad. It’s very possible that this joke has stuck because sexual health is something that people have a hard time talking about. People get freaked out by anything that goes wrong down below, and often make jokes to hide the fact that it has happened to them, or the fear that it might. Hopefully if you can be brave enough to remind  everyone that a UTI isn’t some crazy sex disease - it’s literally just a small bacterial infection, not much different than a sore throat or a stomach bug - they will stick up for you after that.

As for the group chats, the nicknames, the phone calls etc - stop responding to them. Let the joke fall flat - if someone calls you Cranny, ignore them for a second, and if they push go “oh, are we still doing this?” Part of the reason that nicknames and jokes stick is because they become habitual and part of your friend group’s lore of inside jokes. If there’s something you want to leave behind, disrupt the jokes in a small but firm way, so it’s not such an easy joke to keep coming back to. You  might ruffle a few feathers for a few days, but good friends aren’t gonna put up too much of a fight just to keep humiliating you.

And if your friends take your honest plea to stop with the jokes as anything less than critical, send me their addresses. Maybe cranberries won’t be so funny when I CRAN THEIR HOUSES TO THE GROUND.

Good luck,

Bethany